I wish.

I wish sleep would come more easily to me. My boyfriend dosnt understand how I can't sleep. I just have problems concintrating. It sucks. Wishing that it wasn't like that won't really help me eaither. Sleep will help me. I hope that I'm not too tired in the morning that I can't function. Damn ADD.

Tired.

Im tired.

Im tired of people who treat me differently just because I am different. 

Im tired of feeling like Im not good enough. 

Im tired of just going with the way things are instead of making a scene.

Im tired of people who give me looks, they don't understand. 

Im tired of being hurt all the time.

Im tired of wanting to do more, but not living up to my own expectations.

Im tired of people who assume that because Im different I am weak.

Im tired of being in pain.

Im tired of my situation with my parents.

Im tired of not being able to fully grasp the wonderful things in my life.

Im tired of making up excuses.

Im tired of saying Im sorry.

Im tired of thinking way too much.

Im tired of people who are sympathetic.

Im tired of people who say "that sucks" and then don't even try to help.

Im tired of not having any true friends.

Im tired of not having the will to try and get back the ones I had.

Im tired of always being just under the radar. 

Im tired of not being able to keep up with those around me. 

Im tired of not being able to do the same things as my peers.

Im tired of being afraid to be who I am.

Im tired of people who make me afraid to be me.

Im tired of caring what other people think.

Im tired of never being able to focus.

Im tired of not being able to sleep because I can't focus.

Im tired of wishing for things to be different.

Im tired of being mature.

Im tired of caring too much about other peoples lives.

Im tired of thinking of everything.

Im tired of people who brag about my art.

Im tired of always wanting to impress people with my artwork.

Im tired of making art for other people instead of for me.

Im tired of having to share my artwork.

Im tired of trying to make my artwork live up to my past works.

Im tired of feeling uninspired.

Im tired of people who don't understand the way I work.

Im tired of having to live up to nonexistent expectations.

Im tired of feeling inadequate.

Im tired of feeling small.

Im tired of mood swings.

Im tired of being angry.

Im tired of having so many responsibilities.

Im tired of not having the responsibilities that I want.

Im tired of not being able to share these feelings with people.

Im tired of debating on wether I should share these feelings with anybody else.

Im tired of writing this blog to nobody.

Im tired of writing this list.

Im REALLY sick of being tired.

(This is a sortof poem to help me get over all these complaints. It was actually quite therapeutic. I just needed to get them out of my head so I could go on. I should write stuff like this more often.)

Crutches

I HATE CRUTCHES. 

I broke my foot playing in the street with my brother.  Apparently it is a Jones Fracture. It will be a while till its better. 

Everything is so much harder on crutches. I have to practically fall over when im trying to sit down. I cant go hiking with my boyfriend. I hate using the stairs. I cant carry anything. My siblings are too freaking lazy to help me carry things. Everything is just so dam hard. 

I went camping a couple of weeks ago and i was still using the crutches. It was pretty hard. I couldnt get to the bathroom without help. It was a long walk. I had to hold it alot. I also just had to sit there and watch everybody else have fun while I just sat there in my chair. I couldnt go swimming, which sucked because our campsite was right on the water. I love to swim. My boyfriend was with us so it wasnt too horid, but I did feel like I was holding him back from having fun because I had him hang out with me most of the time. When I took my first shower while camping, we had some really shitty trash bags. They had holes in them, I didnt realize that until after i took the shower and my cast got soaked... Even though it was hard i still had fun. 

I cant do anything while on crutches. I cant walk for long distances. Im constantly declining invitations to go do things with my family because its so hard for me to have fun when i cant walk. Today my boyfriend was over. He was invited by my sister to go play in the street with the water guns. I told him to go ahead because i thought i would have fun watching them. I couldnt have fun though, Its just sooo depressing watching people have fun doing things that I cant do. I also was a bit jealous that he wasnt hanging out with me. 

My arms are getting stronger with the crutches. But my left leg (the one with the cast) has like no muscle left on it at all. Im really worried because Marching Band camp starts in 3 weeks and I wont be able to walk. GRR I HATE CRUTCHES. 

Dwindling Morality

My sister is 11 years old. She has become subject to the dwindling moralities of society these days. I often find her wandering about in nothing but a pair of Sophies (cheerleading shorts) and the tightest shirt she can find. Its all in the music she listens to and the things she sees going on around her.

It has become a rather large problem with the kids younger than me. Every grade I count back the kids are getting worse. My brothers class has kids that are pregnant and doing waay too many drugs. He was in 8th grade. He is now a rising 9th grader. My neighbor's class has kids in it that are having sex. She was in 7th grade. Now a rising 8th grader. My sister's class is just horrible. They havn't quite gotten to the drugs and sex yet, but they are really bad for there age. My sister was in 5th grade. Now a rising 6th grader. She thought she was in love with this guy. When i was in 5th grade, that kind of thought never crossed my mind! There is so much drama in her class!! It just seems to get worse with the younger ages.

I think society has taken a downturn. Everything is become more advanced by the second. You have to be quick to keep up with it. It makes it hard for a kid just to keep there innocence what with the internet and the media fowling it. Every little thing a kid hears this day has some reference to sex or drugs. It is rare to find a song or a movie that dosn't have those things oozing from its very pores. Sex interests people, the media has found its nich. Sex sells! Everything has to do with being sexy or being pretty. I can see how it forms the way that my sister thinks. She dosnt know it but its obvious. The music she listens to is practically secretes sex from its every word. There is no innocence left. Now my sister is a preppy little cheerleader. So im not shure that im not completely bias in this situation. But all of her friends are the exact same way.

My hat comes off for people like Disney and Pixar for there amazing work at trying to keep the innocence alive in todays youth. I recently went to see Pixar's new movie UP, it was probably one of my most favorite movies ever. It glows with such a profound sense of childlike wonder, yet it still shows hardship. Just watching the movie gives me such hope for todays society. I am so proud that we still have at least one form of media that dosnt feel the urge to succumb to the world of sex. 

I don't want it to seem like i hate sex, it has its place. I just dislike intensely the fact that it is being thrust upon us at such a young age. People are always so unhappy. This country is falling apart. Much of our youth have lost that sense of wonder. It seems as if kids can't be kids anymore. Gone are the days when 5th graders like to go out and play tag or go to the park. They would rather sit at home and listen to music about going down, and double D's. Its severely depressing...

How can you know?

When is the right time to get married? I really don’t know. I guess it’s when you are truly are in love with someone. I bet that would be hard to know for sure. How can you know that you’re with the right person? How can you know if the person you are meant to be with is sitting right next to you, or somewhere else? You may think that you are with the right person, but you never know. My mother and father thought that they were meant to be together. Well at least she did.

My mother and father got married while they were in college. They had dated throughout college and they thought they were in love. I think my mother was scared. She had been with him for so long that she thought that there would be nobody else. She didn’t know that there was anybody else. She was still in college, not out in the real world. I think that my dad had the same problem.

They had me about a year after they got married. So they didn’t really have much time to just be with each other before they started a family. I think that my mother has been so distracted by that that she didn’t notice my fathers dwindling attention. He spent long hours in his workshop in the basement. Whenever we mom wasn’t home and we usually had to care for ourselves because dad was always in the basement. I would have to watch my siblings and cook (usually mac and cheese). Whenever we needed him we would usually have to yell down the stairs and he would usually just yell back up instead of coming up to see us. Even when mom was home he was normally down there. She was left to care for us by herself a lot of the time. He didn’t really provide much care as we were growing up.

My dad had always been so distant from my mother, he didn’t really give her much attention. He would usually forget about every romantic holiday, including their anniversary. Those were not terribly uncommon things for him to forget if you compare him to a lot of males in our society. I didn’t really pay too much attention to it. They also slept on separate sides of the bed. Not just he has his side and she has the other. It was like my dad didn’t even want to be close to her. He would always have these giant headphones on and he drowned out all noise when he was sleeping. I never paid that much attention to that because I just assumed that was how all parents were.

I don’t remember the exact time that my parents started fighting. I just have this one incident that sticks out in my mind the most. We had gone to Tennessee to go to Dollywood. We made it into a camping trip (we used to camp a lot). We were staying at the crazy horse camp ground. We spent a couple days just hanging out there before we went to the park. All us kids were really excited. My mother and father seemed as if they were as well. Once we got there I remember being rather disappointed. All I wanted to do was ride the rides. They were spaced so far apart that it made them really annoying to get to. Everybody was getting stressed out because we were having trouble navigating through the park. It was also raining so a lot of the rides were shut down. They started fighting. I can’t remember the exact reason, but I think it was something about money. Since it was raining we had to leave the park early. My parents fought all the way back to the campground. I was really scared. My parents had never fought like that before.

It was that same summer that they finally split. My mom and dad got into a fight. It was worse than normal. They were in their room for a while by themselves. My sister went in there and asked what was going on. She came out screaming, “How could you do this to me?!” I was very confused I didn’t know what was going on. My mom came out and said he was leaving. I went into my parents room and my dad was packing his suitcase. I asked him why. Apparently he hasn’t been in love with my mother for a long time. He didn’t want to hurt us but he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. It was the only time I have ever seen my dad cry. He was gone.

My mother didn’t really have any friends at that point, so she decided to lay all her troubles about dad on me. She would tell me all of the things that were going wrong. The things dad would say. I started to really think about the way my dad treated us over the years. How he didn’t really spend that much time with us, he was always hiding, how he left my mom pretty much to care for us by herself. After a while I started to hate my father. What really hit it home was when my mother told me that when she was in her room talking to dad right before he left, he said that he wasn’t ready to be a parent. I was fourteen years old. He had been my dad for fourteen years and he just decided he wasn’t ready. I don’t even know if that is true or not. At the time I was much more ready to believe my mother than my father. I hate him. I hate him for leaving. I hate him for abandoning us. I hate him for never paying child support. I hate him for wanting me to love him, because it hurts that much more that I can’t. I hate the fact that my parents lied to me all my life by telling me that they would be together forever.

I don’t like to spend time with my dad. I try my hardest to stay away from his house. I hate his girlfriend. My dad is sad that I don’t spend time with him. I just can’t forgive him for what he did. It hurt me. I am unable to cry now. I doubt everybody. I think every relationship is going to end in pain. I doubt myself, the choices I make about people. My siblings don’t understand why I hate him so much. I can never tell them why. It would cause too much pain. I know I have to be strong for my siblings.

Life is better.

My life has been quite wonderful lately. I have a new boy. :D He is different from the others. We have alot in common. He loves the outdoors, mountain biking, hackysac, and all that jazz. Gosh. I really think this might be the one. I hope that what they say about High School relationships isnt true. I know that the people who make it are just the exception, but why cant that be true for me and charlie? It makes my heart flutter just thinking about him. We went hiking today. It was wonderful. Gosh his dad just dropped me off at home and i miss my sweet charlie already. Hehe but i "accidentally" left my shoes at his house, so i will get to see him tomorrow. Mwahahahahaha. :D Goodnight! I gotta go upstairs and call him.

When He Left

When my Dad left us two summers ago it was a really rough time. My mom didnt have many friends she could talk to about it, so she let it all out on me. She would tell me every little thing that he did wrong. The thing that struck me the hardest was when she told me that he left because he wasnt ready to be a father. He had been my dad for 14 years and he was just then giving up on us, right when it was starting to get rough. It still pains me today to even think about it. I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive him for that. And I dont even know if it was true. Even if it wasnt true, it still hurts.
He comes over every morning to take my siblings to school. Because we live so close to my high school, I walk. Every morning i am nice to him and i pretend that I still love him. But when I leave for school and am walking away, all I do is think to myself that its stupid of me to keep pretending...
When my siblings go to his house every sunday, I never go. I hate it there. I hate the fact that he isnt here. He lives in a little blue house, that has two rooms, a kitchen and a bedroom. Its so freaking small that whenever I go there I cant get away from him. I hate it.
He got a new girlfriend. She has a big gap in her teeth. I dont like her. She has a bird, my little siblings love her. She keeps sending me gifts trying to win over my attention. But i dont care, I hate her. I hate the way my dad smiles when she is around, he didnt smile much when he lived with us. I have only met her once. It was after the christmas parade, and i was walking back to the school in my uniform after marching down the street with the band. I didnt see her and my dad because i was talking to a friend of mine. They jumped out of the crowd and my dad introduced her to me. I didnt like her from the start. He tries to bring her to all of my school functions, and then they want to talk to me afterwards. But I ignore them. It hurts so much to see him with her...
I hate my Dad. But I keep on pretending I dont.

She Said...

A couple of minutes after i posted the post before this. She texted me. She said she was sorry. And she misses me. I dont know if i should trust her completely again.

She has Changed and dosnt know it

I used to have a best friend. But she dosnt care. She could care less about anyone other than herself. I just got on her myspace, she says she dosnt have any close friends, and then she goes on to say she just lost her best friend. While I was reading it i thought she might have been talking about me, but no. She lost her cat. She valued her CAT more than me. Ever since she started dating this guy last year, she has changed into a jerk. She dosnt care about anybody other than herself. She used to be a kind and fun person to be around. But now she isnt. She dosnt even know that she has changed. God i wish she would come back from the insain place she has gone to. She has given up on happiness and having friends and everything, just so she can be with her idiotic 19 year old boyfriend. She is 15 years old! Its illegal for them to be together in the first place. I am so sick of her. And so is everybody else.

Hello Again.

I must admit. I havnt posted on here in almost a year. Alot has happened. I got a new boyfriend whom i staid with for 7 months. We spent every day together, it was rather strangling at times. I felt very suffocated, I did things with him that i truely wish i hadnt he is a good guy. Its just now that i look back i cringe at what we did together. It wasnt really bad stuff eaither, just stuff that girls sometimes do with boys. idk. But Im really happy now without him. I get kinda lonely though, cause i was with him all the time. And now i dont really have anybody. But im working on that, there are a couple of guys that i kinda like at my school. I am gonna make a good choice though, i dont want to choose somebody just because im lonely, i want to be able to get along with him.
I also lost a friend. She didnt die, but she kinda dosnt want me to be her friend anymore. This happend quite recently acctually. She had been my best friend for 2 years. And we got in a fight. Ever since she started dating this new guy, she has really changed. And she has started being really really mean to people now. I couldnt handle it. And idk... It was a stupid fight. But she dosnt care. She hates me. And i miss her. I dont really have that many friends. I guess its good though. She didnt really care about me that much. She wasnt a very good friend to me. I spent most of the time caring for her. We were going to apply to the North Carolina School of the Arts together. But not anymore. Im still applying. Gosh i miss having her as a friend. She was kinda mean to me sometimes. But she was really funny, and she could make me laugh when i was really depressed. And she understood me, i understood her. And i miss that. gosh idk this isnt really much of a blog. its more of me stating whats going on in my head...
But now that im all alone, Ive been able to spend more time with my family. Im starting to really get along with my sister now. We used to fight alot, but now i get to hang out with her sometimes. Its really nice. Before when i was so tied down with my EX i was never home. I lost touch with my family. I didnt know them. But now, i spend all my time with them. Its kinda sad, cause i dont have a life. But sometimes its kinda nice. idk.
Oh and im really getting into my art now. I dont have anyone depending on me, so i can really focus on my art. I love it. I will post some more some other time, idk why im even saying this. Nobody really cares, and nobody probably read this. Its just one more blog from all of the millions of others. why would anybody read it?

My Little Box

I am in a box,
No one can see me,
I am alone,
No one can hear me,
I am afraid,
No one knows who I am,
In my little box,
Thats where I hide,
In my own little world,
My lonley little box,

Someone is outside my box,
They are trying to get in,
They are knocking,
I am scared,
Should I let them in,
Should I let them see me,
Who I really am,
I open my box,
They don't understand,
Im hiding for a reason,

I let them in my box,
Finally im not alone,
I have somebody to love,
We are happy together,
But we are in a box,
Not much to look at,
Not much to see,
We break down our box,
And discover,
What the world is,
The world that I have never seen,

Its a wonderfull world that we live in,
I just wish I had known,
Instead of living in that silly box,
I could have been alive and free,
Im glad I decided to let them In.

Tree....

You started out as a tiny seed,
In mother Earth's womb,
You became a part of the world in that moment,
Once you poked your little head out of the ground,
You hoped and prayed they'de let you grow,
Into a big strong tree,
And not yank you out like a weed,
As you kept growing you began to realize,
That life isn't full of bugs and butterflies,
There is love,
And there is hate,
There are times of peace,
And times of war,
As each ring of your life grew,
You got bigger and bigger,
Eventually you got so large,
That you thought you were untouchable,
But you wern't,
They scratched and carved you,
They choped off your branches,
They tried to restrict you,
But you kept growing,
They couldn't stop you,
Eventually they gave up,
And just let you be you,
Those were happy times,
Eventually you became old,
Your leaves started to fall for the last time,
Now you are an empty reminder of what you once were,
Life.

The Place Inside of Me

The lonliest place in the world,
The only place where I can be alone,
The only place where I can be me,
A place where I can scream,
A place where I can cry,
It is a place deep down inside,

Sometimes I dream of leaving this place,
Just to see what it is like,
Are other places as lonely as mine?
What would it be like,
To see things through their eyes,
But it would be impossible,

Sometimes my place seems so small,
But then I discover something new,
There is something every day,
The more I discover,
The lonlier I feel,
I wish I wasn't so alone,

I am traped in my place,
There is no way out,
I want to get away,
From the things that haunt me,
All that has past,
All that will be,

As I sit alone in my place,
I am safe,
From those who hurt,
They can't get into my sanctuary,
They can't get into my prison,
They can't be inside of me.

Window of Life

When I look through my window,
I see my best friend smiling,
We are telling each other secrets,
And we cant stop laughing,
Then I blink,
The picture changes,
Its her again,
This time she is older,
We are sitting in our dorm room,
We are talking about our classes,
I blink,
We are walking through a park,
There is a guy with us,
They are holding hands,
I blink again,
Flowers are falling,
Doves are flying,
She is standing at the alter,
She looks so beautuiful in her dress,
I am standing beside her as the Maid of Honor,
She says the words,
"I do,"
I blink again,
Once again we are in a park,
But this time I have somebody holding My hand,
She introduced us,
He is her husbands best friend,
I smile at this picture,
Then I blink,
We are standing under a tree,
It is perfect,
I am whering a white dress,
He is whering a tuxedo,
As I speak the famous words,
"I do"
She starts to smile,
I blink,
Our children are out in the yard playing,
They are inseparible,
Just like us,
I blink again,
The window is starting to get brittle,
The children have grown and gone,
We both miss them quite alot,
I blink as a tear falls from my eye,
We are visiting hallowed ground,
Our husbands have passed,
They were great men,
This is a sad picture,
I have to blink away the tears,
There we are again,
Sitting in two wheelchairs,
I am racing her,
Down the nursing home hallway,
Just reliving the old days,
I smile and laugh,
Our window is starting to crack,
We are fading,
I am crying as the window breaks,
I close my eyes,
And then I smile as I realize,
No matter what happens,
We will be best friends forever.

What Im Afraid of

• Im afraid of being late.
• Im afraid of hurting people.
• Im afraid of loud noises.
• Im afraid of getting in trouble.
• Im afraid of goats.
• Im afraid of rodents.
• Im afraid of being alone.
• Im scared of global warming.
• Im scared that I might never regain my inspiration to draw.
• Im afraid of my mothers opinion.
• Im afraid of my joints.
• Im afraid I might have to have surgery.
• Im afraid of getting run over.
• Im afraid something might be seriously wrong with me.
• Im scared that my best friend thinks she cant talk to me.
• Im afraid of spending time with my dad.
• Im afraid to talk to him.
• Im afraid of death.
• Im afraid of graveyards.
• Im scared of pain.
• Im scared that Im going to be in pain for the rest of my life.
• Im terrified of LIFE.

Life Sucks

This morning i broke up with my boyfriend. It was really hard. He seemed fine with it, I meen he didnt get emotional at all. I really wanted him to be mad at me, but all he said was "If you need to talk, call me." I was so scared of hurting him.
Today I am leaving school early to go see my Orthapedist about my knee. Im really scared of what he will tell me. Ive never been afraid to go to the doctor befor, I have to go alot because I have a joint disorder. But this time im terrified. The last time anything hurt this badly I ended up having surgery. Im really scared. Im afraid of alot of things lately.

Jamie Lynn Spears

Ok, so as many of you know Jamie is pregnant. Its all over the news! I know she is a celebrity and all but this kind of shit happens every day. Apparently the Spears Family got paid $1-million dollars for exclusivity rights by Ok! magazine. Its retarded. Almost 750,000 teenage girls get pregnant every year in the US. Woop dee flipping dooo, one more really makes that much of a difference. And besides its not like its that surprising, take her big sister for example. Im surprised it didnt happen sooner. This whole thing is just being blown WAY out of proportion.

Christmas Break

Im very unshure as to if I enjoyed my christmas break or not. As a whole it was ok, but there were some bad parts. First of all my boyfriend was in Florida the entire time so I couldnt see him. And yesterday, when he got back, we got to take a walk to Main St. but he didnt ask his mom if he could come over, so when she found out she was REALLY angry at him. I havnt talked to him since so i have no idea what happend. Its really making me quite deppressed and I didnt sleep last night because I was waiting for him to call. :(
A good part of my break was that I finally got a new cell phone, Its soooo awesome, its a double flip phone, its really awesome. And I got a haircut, I donated 12 inches of hair to Locks Of Love. Which is an organization that makes wiggs for cancer patiants, mostly children.
Idk im just really confused.

ADD

Ok well i have major ADD. And if i dont take my pills i am crazy!! And guess what?!?!? I didnt take my pills this morning! I am soooo out of it right now! goodness.
OH YEAH!! I wanted to tell yall that my boyfriend is back from being sick today! I got to spend time with him this morning!!! I was soooo happy!!! hehehe. ok well thats all for now!

La La La

Ok well alot of things have happend since my last post.
First of all, saturday I went to Jesse's wrestling tournament. I helped keep score.
After the tournament I went to Jesse's house and helped him decorate his family's christmas tree.
Sunday, Jesse got sick, and I havnt seen him since then, he hasnt come to school, I still talk to him, but I miss him sooo much!!!! goodness.