When He Left

When my Dad left us two summers ago it was a really rough time. My mom didnt have many friends she could talk to about it, so she let it all out on me. She would tell me every little thing that he did wrong. The thing that struck me the hardest was when she told me that he left because he wasnt ready to be a father. He had been my dad for 14 years and he was just then giving up on us, right when it was starting to get rough. It still pains me today to even think about it. I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive him for that. And I dont even know if it was true. Even if it wasnt true, it still hurts.
He comes over every morning to take my siblings to school. Because we live so close to my high school, I walk. Every morning i am nice to him and i pretend that I still love him. But when I leave for school and am walking away, all I do is think to myself that its stupid of me to keep pretending...
When my siblings go to his house every sunday, I never go. I hate it there. I hate the fact that he isnt here. He lives in a little blue house, that has two rooms, a kitchen and a bedroom. Its so freaking small that whenever I go there I cant get away from him. I hate it.
He got a new girlfriend. She has a big gap in her teeth. I dont like her. She has a bird, my little siblings love her. She keeps sending me gifts trying to win over my attention. But i dont care, I hate her. I hate the way my dad smiles when she is around, he didnt smile much when he lived with us. I have only met her once. It was after the christmas parade, and i was walking back to the school in my uniform after marching down the street with the band. I didnt see her and my dad because i was talking to a friend of mine. They jumped out of the crowd and my dad introduced her to me. I didnt like her from the start. He tries to bring her to all of my school functions, and then they want to talk to me afterwards. But I ignore them. It hurts so much to see him with her...
I hate my Dad. But I keep on pretending I dont.

She Said...

A couple of minutes after i posted the post before this. She texted me. She said she was sorry. And she misses me. I dont know if i should trust her completely again.

She has Changed and dosnt know it

I used to have a best friend. But she dosnt care. She could care less about anyone other than herself. I just got on her myspace, she says she dosnt have any close friends, and then she goes on to say she just lost her best friend. While I was reading it i thought she might have been talking about me, but no. She lost her cat. She valued her CAT more than me. Ever since she started dating this guy last year, she has changed into a jerk. She dosnt care about anybody other than herself. She used to be a kind and fun person to be around. But now she isnt. She dosnt even know that she has changed. God i wish she would come back from the insain place she has gone to. She has given up on happiness and having friends and everything, just so she can be with her idiotic 19 year old boyfriend. She is 15 years old! Its illegal for them to be together in the first place. I am so sick of her. And so is everybody else.

Hello Again.

I must admit. I havnt posted on here in almost a year. Alot has happened. I got a new boyfriend whom i staid with for 7 months. We spent every day together, it was rather strangling at times. I felt very suffocated, I did things with him that i truely wish i hadnt he is a good guy. Its just now that i look back i cringe at what we did together. It wasnt really bad stuff eaither, just stuff that girls sometimes do with boys. idk. But Im really happy now without him. I get kinda lonely though, cause i was with him all the time. And now i dont really have anybody. But im working on that, there are a couple of guys that i kinda like at my school. I am gonna make a good choice though, i dont want to choose somebody just because im lonely, i want to be able to get along with him.
I also lost a friend. She didnt die, but she kinda dosnt want me to be her friend anymore. This happend quite recently acctually. She had been my best friend for 2 years. And we got in a fight. Ever since she started dating this new guy, she has really changed. And she has started being really really mean to people now. I couldnt handle it. And idk... It was a stupid fight. But she dosnt care. She hates me. And i miss her. I dont really have that many friends. I guess its good though. She didnt really care about me that much. She wasnt a very good friend to me. I spent most of the time caring for her. We were going to apply to the North Carolina School of the Arts together. But not anymore. Im still applying. Gosh i miss having her as a friend. She was kinda mean to me sometimes. But she was really funny, and she could make me laugh when i was really depressed. And she understood me, i understood her. And i miss that. gosh idk this isnt really much of a blog. its more of me stating whats going on in my head...
But now that im all alone, Ive been able to spend more time with my family. Im starting to really get along with my sister now. We used to fight alot, but now i get to hang out with her sometimes. Its really nice. Before when i was so tied down with my EX i was never home. I lost touch with my family. I didnt know them. But now, i spend all my time with them. Its kinda sad, cause i dont have a life. But sometimes its kinda nice. idk.
Oh and im really getting into my art now. I dont have anyone depending on me, so i can really focus on my art. I love it. I will post some more some other time, idk why im even saying this. Nobody really cares, and nobody probably read this. Its just one more blog from all of the millions of others. why would anybody read it?

My Little Box

I am in a box,
No one can see me,
I am alone,
No one can hear me,
I am afraid,
No one knows who I am,
In my little box,
Thats where I hide,
In my own little world,
My lonley little box,

Someone is outside my box,
They are trying to get in,
They are knocking,
I am scared,
Should I let them in,
Should I let them see me,
Who I really am,
I open my box,
They don't understand,
Im hiding for a reason,

I let them in my box,
Finally im not alone,
I have somebody to love,
We are happy together,
But we are in a box,
Not much to look at,
Not much to see,
We break down our box,
And discover,
What the world is,
The world that I have never seen,

Its a wonderfull world that we live in,
I just wish I had known,
Instead of living in that silly box,
I could have been alive and free,
Im glad I decided to let them In.

Tree....

You started out as a tiny seed,
In mother Earth's womb,
You became a part of the world in that moment,
Once you poked your little head out of the ground,
You hoped and prayed they'de let you grow,
Into a big strong tree,
And not yank you out like a weed,
As you kept growing you began to realize,
That life isn't full of bugs and butterflies,
There is love,
And there is hate,
There are times of peace,
And times of war,
As each ring of your life grew,
You got bigger and bigger,
Eventually you got so large,
That you thought you were untouchable,
But you wern't,
They scratched and carved you,
They choped off your branches,
They tried to restrict you,
But you kept growing,
They couldn't stop you,
Eventually they gave up,
And just let you be you,
Those were happy times,
Eventually you became old,
Your leaves started to fall for the last time,
Now you are an empty reminder of what you once were,
Life.

The Place Inside of Me

The lonliest place in the world,
The only place where I can be alone,
The only place where I can be me,
A place where I can scream,
A place where I can cry,
It is a place deep down inside,

Sometimes I dream of leaving this place,
Just to see what it is like,
Are other places as lonely as mine?
What would it be like,
To see things through their eyes,
But it would be impossible,

Sometimes my place seems so small,
But then I discover something new,
There is something every day,
The more I discover,
The lonlier I feel,
I wish I wasn't so alone,

I am traped in my place,
There is no way out,
I want to get away,
From the things that haunt me,
All that has past,
All that will be,

As I sit alone in my place,
I am safe,
From those who hurt,
They can't get into my sanctuary,
They can't get into my prison,
They can't be inside of me.