Hello Again.

I must admit. I havnt posted on here in almost a year. Alot has happened. I got a new boyfriend whom i staid with for 7 months. We spent every day together, it was rather strangling at times. I felt very suffocated, I did things with him that i truely wish i hadnt he is a good guy. Its just now that i look back i cringe at what we did together. It wasnt really bad stuff eaither, just stuff that girls sometimes do with boys. idk. But Im really happy now without him. I get kinda lonely though, cause i was with him all the time. And now i dont really have anybody. But im working on that, there are a couple of guys that i kinda like at my school. I am gonna make a good choice though, i dont want to choose somebody just because im lonely, i want to be able to get along with him.
I also lost a friend. She didnt die, but she kinda dosnt want me to be her friend anymore. This happend quite recently acctually. She had been my best friend for 2 years. And we got in a fight. Ever since she started dating this new guy, she has really changed. And she has started being really really mean to people now. I couldnt handle it. And idk... It was a stupid fight. But she dosnt care. She hates me. And i miss her. I dont really have that many friends. I guess its good though. She didnt really care about me that much. She wasnt a very good friend to me. I spent most of the time caring for her. We were going to apply to the North Carolina School of the Arts together. But not anymore. Im still applying. Gosh i miss having her as a friend. She was kinda mean to me sometimes. But she was really funny, and she could make me laugh when i was really depressed. And she understood me, i understood her. And i miss that. gosh idk this isnt really much of a blog. its more of me stating whats going on in my head...
But now that im all alone, Ive been able to spend more time with my family. Im starting to really get along with my sister now. We used to fight alot, but now i get to hang out with her sometimes. Its really nice. Before when i was so tied down with my EX i was never home. I lost touch with my family. I didnt know them. But now, i spend all my time with them. Its kinda sad, cause i dont have a life. But sometimes its kinda nice. idk.
Oh and im really getting into my art now. I dont have anyone depending on me, so i can really focus on my art. I love it. I will post some more some other time, idk why im even saying this. Nobody really cares, and nobody probably read this. Its just one more blog from all of the millions of others. why would anybody read it?

My Little Box

I am in a box,
No one can see me,
I am alone,
No one can hear me,
I am afraid,
No one knows who I am,
In my little box,
Thats where I hide,
In my own little world,
My lonley little box,

Someone is outside my box,
They are trying to get in,
They are knocking,
I am scared,
Should I let them in,
Should I let them see me,
Who I really am,
I open my box,
They don't understand,
Im hiding for a reason,

I let them in my box,
Finally im not alone,
I have somebody to love,
We are happy together,
But we are in a box,
Not much to look at,
Not much to see,
We break down our box,
And discover,
What the world is,
The world that I have never seen,

Its a wonderfull world that we live in,
I just wish I had known,
Instead of living in that silly box,
I could have been alive and free,
Im glad I decided to let them In.

Tree....

You started out as a tiny seed,
In mother Earth's womb,
You became a part of the world in that moment,
Once you poked your little head out of the ground,
You hoped and prayed they'de let you grow,
Into a big strong tree,
And not yank you out like a weed,
As you kept growing you began to realize,
That life isn't full of bugs and butterflies,
There is love,
And there is hate,
There are times of peace,
And times of war,
As each ring of your life grew,
You got bigger and bigger,
Eventually you got so large,
That you thought you were untouchable,
But you wern't,
They scratched and carved you,
They choped off your branches,
They tried to restrict you,
But you kept growing,
They couldn't stop you,
Eventually they gave up,
And just let you be you,
Those were happy times,
Eventually you became old,
Your leaves started to fall for the last time,
Now you are an empty reminder of what you once were,
Life.

The Place Inside of Me

The lonliest place in the world,
The only place where I can be alone,
The only place where I can be me,
A place where I can scream,
A place where I can cry,
It is a place deep down inside,

Sometimes I dream of leaving this place,
Just to see what it is like,
Are other places as lonely as mine?
What would it be like,
To see things through their eyes,
But it would be impossible,

Sometimes my place seems so small,
But then I discover something new,
There is something every day,
The more I discover,
The lonlier I feel,
I wish I wasn't so alone,

I am traped in my place,
There is no way out,
I want to get away,
From the things that haunt me,
All that has past,
All that will be,

As I sit alone in my place,
I am safe,
From those who hurt,
They can't get into my sanctuary,
They can't get into my prison,
They can't be inside of me.

Window of Life

When I look through my window,
I see my best friend smiling,
We are telling each other secrets,
And we cant stop laughing,
Then I blink,
The picture changes,
Its her again,
This time she is older,
We are sitting in our dorm room,
We are talking about our classes,
I blink,
We are walking through a park,
There is a guy with us,
They are holding hands,
I blink again,
Flowers are falling,
Doves are flying,
She is standing at the alter,
She looks so beautuiful in her dress,
I am standing beside her as the Maid of Honor,
She says the words,
"I do,"
I blink again,
Once again we are in a park,
But this time I have somebody holding My hand,
She introduced us,
He is her husbands best friend,
I smile at this picture,
Then I blink,
We are standing under a tree,
It is perfect,
I am whering a white dress,
He is whering a tuxedo,
As I speak the famous words,
"I do"
She starts to smile,
I blink,
Our children are out in the yard playing,
They are inseparible,
Just like us,
I blink again,
The window is starting to get brittle,
The children have grown and gone,
We both miss them quite alot,
I blink as a tear falls from my eye,
We are visiting hallowed ground,
Our husbands have passed,
They were great men,
This is a sad picture,
I have to blink away the tears,
There we are again,
Sitting in two wheelchairs,
I am racing her,
Down the nursing home hallway,
Just reliving the old days,
I smile and laugh,
Our window is starting to crack,
We are fading,
I am crying as the window breaks,
I close my eyes,
And then I smile as I realize,
No matter what happens,
We will be best friends forever.

What Im Afraid of

• Im afraid of being late.
• Im afraid of hurting people.
• Im afraid of loud noises.
• Im afraid of getting in trouble.
• Im afraid of goats.
• Im afraid of rodents.
• Im afraid of being alone.
• Im scared of global warming.
• Im scared that I might never regain my inspiration to draw.
• Im afraid of my mothers opinion.
• Im afraid of my joints.
• Im afraid I might have to have surgery.
• Im afraid of getting run over.
• Im afraid something might be seriously wrong with me.
• Im scared that my best friend thinks she cant talk to me.
• Im afraid of spending time with my dad.
• Im afraid to talk to him.
• Im afraid of death.
• Im afraid of graveyards.
• Im scared of pain.
• Im scared that Im going to be in pain for the rest of my life.
• Im terrified of LIFE.

Life Sucks

This morning i broke up with my boyfriend. It was really hard. He seemed fine with it, I meen he didnt get emotional at all. I really wanted him to be mad at me, but all he said was "If you need to talk, call me." I was so scared of hurting him.
Today I am leaving school early to go see my Orthapedist about my knee. Im really scared of what he will tell me. Ive never been afraid to go to the doctor befor, I have to go alot because I have a joint disorder. But this time im terrified. The last time anything hurt this badly I ended up having surgery. Im really scared. Im afraid of alot of things lately.

Jamie Lynn Spears

Ok, so as many of you know Jamie is pregnant. Its all over the news! I know she is a celebrity and all but this kind of shit happens every day. Apparently the Spears Family got paid $1-million dollars for exclusivity rights by Ok! magazine. Its retarded. Almost 750,000 teenage girls get pregnant every year in the US. Woop dee flipping dooo, one more really makes that much of a difference. And besides its not like its that surprising, take her big sister for example. Im surprised it didnt happen sooner. This whole thing is just being blown WAY out of proportion.

Christmas Break

Im very unshure as to if I enjoyed my christmas break or not. As a whole it was ok, but there were some bad parts. First of all my boyfriend was in Florida the entire time so I couldnt see him. And yesterday, when he got back, we got to take a walk to Main St. but he didnt ask his mom if he could come over, so when she found out she was REALLY angry at him. I havnt talked to him since so i have no idea what happend. Its really making me quite deppressed and I didnt sleep last night because I was waiting for him to call. :(
A good part of my break was that I finally got a new cell phone, Its soooo awesome, its a double flip phone, its really awesome. And I got a haircut, I donated 12 inches of hair to Locks Of Love. Which is an organization that makes wiggs for cancer patiants, mostly children.
Idk im just really confused.